Day Four Of The Lipocide Experiment

Today sucked.  I mean I woke up and immediately hated everything.  I was tearing myself down, calling myself a loser and a retard, I just barely escaped snapping at people, I pretty much wanted the world to stop existing.  I really didn't want to do the workout, really really really didn't, mostly because today, you could not have convinced me that exercising would make a shit of difference because I'll always be fat and there's nothing I can do to change it, and trying just means I'm an even bigger retard that I thought.  Like seriously, a bad day.  BUT I did the stupid thing anyway.  I was sick of Jillian's face so while she was blathering I went for a mile-long walk/jog, and then I did it again while Billy was veining all over my screen.  Did I mention I hated all people today?  So some of the video time was replaced with 2 miles of walking/jogging but you know, roughly same calorie burn so whatevs.  I needed the change. 

I had another phantom scent, this time Arby's.  It was heavenly, but I told it to fuck off nonetheless.  Ha.

Today my body is sending me new signals.  I think I really pushed myself close to my limits tonight.  I was hurting in ways that I instinctively recognize as dangerous.  I checked a million times and I really am not just making excuses (trust me, I'm the first one to make that assumption) I really think I might have almost gone too far.  I'm essentially going from maybe an hour a week of exercise to what, with all the warm-ups and cool-downs in the tapes, ends up being two and a half hours per day.  That's a lot, without any kind of transition period.  I'm not saying I don't want to do it, I'm just saying...well, just like I had to remove the jog and be okay with it, maybe I'll have to take a day off tomorrow or Saturday and make myself be okay with that, too.  Not beat myself up.  It depends on how I feel tomorrow of course, I'm not deciding right now.  But I consider it a possibility, given the kind of pain I felt tonight.  But we'll see.  For now...well, I'm just glad today is almost over.

-Amber

TILFT # 1

That's "Thing I'm Looking Forward To".

I'm looking forward to not having a pile of fat all over my diaphram when I'm trying to breath.  I was on my back today and just as an experiment I grabbed all of my belly fat (gross, I know, moving on) and just lifted it.  Holy crap, what a difference!  I can't believe breathing is that much harder with all that fatcrap on top of me!  It was quite an eye opener.  A body is just not meant to have all that fat all over it, you know?  Anyway, that's my TILFT # 1.  Stay tuned for more!

-Amber

Day Three Of The Lipocide Experiment

I was a lot less sore today than I was yesterday, mostly because hubby gave me a calf massage before bed last night.  However, a new problem arose: I just had no energy today.  And my lower back hurt.  Yesterday I was working through the pain, today I was trying not to fall asleep during the big half-way break.  It was kinda sad.  I think I know what it was, though.  Usually two days is pretty much my max as far as doing something consistently, if I get started at all.  48 hours in I'm all like "okay, you did good, and you deserve a treat" or "wow, that was hard, time for a rest" or "OMG I'm scared, find an excuse, FIND IT!"  My brain was waiting for me to stop as usual today.  It didn't think I was gonna need any energy, and it sure as hell didn't give it up easy.  This theory is supported by the fact that halfway through the last video, as I was jogging in a circle because Jillian's buttkicks were killing me, I suddenly smelled cheddar and sour cream chips, clear as day and more delicious than I ever thought possible.  It was hilarious, I would have laughed if I had any breath for it.  My subconscious was trying really hard to derail me, this time by using the element of surprise.  Fortunately, I was busy jogging.  :-)

In summary: finished day three, am awesome.  Woot!

-Amber

Day Two Of The Lipocide Experiment

Wow.  I was SO sore today, but I did all four videos again anyway!  This time I only needed one big break right in the middle.  Woot!  Someday I'll be able to do all of them with no big breaks and no minibreaks, at their speed and with the correct form.  Someday.  A long time from now.  But still!  That'll be awesome!

I feel quite a bit awesome, especially since there were several times before I started that I looked for excuses and half-way decided not to do it.  Right up until I started in fact, I was all like "I hurt too much, it's too much, my 3 followers will understand" but NOPE!  Give up I did not!  Save galaxy I will!

-Amber

Rule # 4: Moderation Is Sometimes For Good Things, Too

Don't drink two v8's in the same day.  You WILL get heartburn.*

*This one probably only applies to me.  But it needed to be said.

-Amber

Day One of the Lipocide Experiment: Part Two

Ho.  Ly.  Piss.  I'm done!!!  I had to rest between each video (30 - 60 minutes), and during the videos I had to take lots of mini-breaks (several seconds or so) and had to look at a few of the moves and say "HAHAHAHAHA there's no way!" and modify them (I made sure it was either working the same muscle or was a move we'd done before) and my form was TERRIBLE for the most part, but...I DID IT!!!

Note, however: "it" is now just all the workout videos, not the jog.  By the time I was done with all four workout videos it was already dark outside and frakkin' cold and my body was like "you go out there and I will KILL YOU", so, four workout videos will have to be enough for this experiment.  I'll try to really focus on the form and number/duration of minibreaks I need instead. 

Note on the note: See what I did there?  When I started with a big idea and then not 24 hours into it had to change it and make it less amazing?  When usually I would get all self-loathing-y and mope-y and be all like "man, I knew I couldn't do that, who the hell was I trying to fool, I suck, I need some lasagna and a popsicle"?  I did none of that.  I accepted that my plan was flawed, accepted that my fitness level is not there yet, acknowledged that if I pushed harder I had a huge chance of injury, made an appropriate change, and moved on.  It's not easy, I'm fighting the urge to hate on myself for not living up to my original rediculous standard right now, but it's generally losing the battle.  Which means I'm winning.  Which means I'm awesome!  Usually when I start trying to lose weight I'm just saying weight-loss-y words while secretely hoping that my excuse will come and come soon.  Or I'm just looking for more reasons to hate myself (because as long as I suck, I can at least be right about it, which makes it so much better, hahaha.)  But not this time, I had plenty of excuses and I didn't use them, unlike mistake #1, and realized that even if I wasn't going to live up to the original super-high standard that my new standard is still pretty high and that any movement is better than no movement so I'm still being awesome, unlike mistake #2.

So now I'm going to go get some healthy foodstuffs.  Yay!

-Amber

Day One of the Lipocide Experiment: Part One

So, weight this morning was 255.  I know.  My first two weeks of "weight loss" and I gain 5 pounds.  I wish I could make this my new starting weight but it would only be to make me feel better about having to re-lose them and it would be too close to Big Start Syndrome for comfort, plus it would be un-genuine...so I won't.

I was thinking, why is it that I want to lose weight but my actions don't exactly prove that?  It seems like every time I decide to give it a go I wake up the next morning with a headache or something and I go "Oh well, you can't expect me to exercise with a headache, I'll try again tomorrow".  I happily take the exit and tell myself that it wasn't an excuse, it was a real reason why I couldn't have made the effort that day.  But the thing is, if a wizard popped up and asked me if I would live my life with a constant headache for a year in exchange for having all the weight magically disappear over the course of that year, I would say Hell Yes! because I do want the weight gone.  So what's the difference?  I would suffer to lose weight, but I'm very hesitant to work to lose weight.  Why?

I think it's because suffering I can just ignore and live with but work requires me to be mentally present, and when I'm mentally present that means I'm emotionally present, and when I'm emotionally present the irrational part of my brain that still hears my father's voice telling me I'm made of shit wants to run away and continue hiding from the rest of the world behind my lovely fatscreen.  I would take a knife in my leg but I wouldn't turn down some food.  It's a little messed up.  But I know that's not how it works, so I'm gonna try to be mentally present now.  It's times like this when I'm extra grateful for prayer.

So, off I go to exercise (with a headache, as usual...I think it's psychosomatic) and I'll keep you posted!

-Amber

An Experiment

I have an idea...classes start again on January 10.  Assuming I were to start the experiment tomorrow, that'd be exactly two weeks in which to conduct it.  The experiment is to put a dollop of Biggest Loser in my life and basically see what kind of results I get when I exercise A LOT every day.  Hey, I have the time, why not use it?

So, everyday, I would do Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred Level 1, which is 20 minutes, and Billy Blank's Bootcamp, which is 60 minutes, and The Biggest Loser Cardio Max Level 1, which is 20 minutes, and Jillian Michaels Banish Fat Boost Metabollism, which is 40 minutes, and then do the 2 - 2.3ish (not sure) mile trail at Shakespeare Park, jogging as much of it as I can, which usually takes me about 45 minutes.  So that's a total of 3 hrs 5 minutes.  Not too shabby compared to the 4-6 hours they say Biggest Loser contestants work out for.  It's all my workout videos and a jog, I'd say that qualifies as "a lot" of exercise!

As far as food, I'll just try to be reasonable.  I'm not on weight watchers or anything but I do know what nutrition is and I'll just eat what I know is best and try to contain my stupid emotional hunger.  No use working out for over 3 hours just to get into self loathing an hour later and get some burger king. 

So, the experiment in a nutshell is: "Gee, I wonder how much weight I can lose in 2 weeks doing just over 3 hours of exercise everyday and staying intelligent with the food?"  I'm so excited to see!  Stay tuned tomorrow for the beginning weigh in and some feelings of dread!  heehee...

-Amber

Week 2 Weigh In

Up 1.2, to 254.2.  As per this morning's post, taken with a smile.  I am still having a good day.  I'm doing Christmas with hubby and brother at a friend's house around 3pm.  I woke up at 11:15, so you know what I did?  I had breakfast.  That's right.  I had breakfast so that I wouldn't be too hungry later when all the delicious food is in front of me.  Usually on Thanksgiving and Christmas I don't eat all day so I can stuff my face even more when The Meal comes.  Sad, yeah.  But not today!  And just now, when I was putting the leftovers away, I had a medium-strength urge to eat more.  But I stopped and asked why, and the answer that came was "because I'm bored/trying to run away from impending success".  Not good enough!  So eat more I did not.  Is that a bout of self control?  Why yes, I believe it is!

Today could quite possibly be awesome.

-Amber

A Grain Of Salt

So, while it is technically Saturday, to me it's really Friday night because I have yet to go to bed.  I'm about to go out and retrieve my laundry and then sleep.  So, for intents and purposes, weigh in is "tomorrow" and I'm telling you now, it won't be pretty.  I was sick all week pretty much (just started to feel normal again today) and with this return to normal I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream.  A nightmare, really, in which being sick was a reason to eat shit and not move.  But it was reality, folks, and the scale is going to bitchslap me tomorrow.  But right now, I'm happy with myself.  Why?  Well, I'll tell you!

Tonight, around 11 pm, I started reading blogs, and after a while, at about 2 am, something shifted.  Hard to explain..."I'll do it tomorrow" ceased to be an acceptable sentence for me to utter.  I was all like, "why not now?"  There was this lifting, this bright effortlessness, and I put my laundry in the wash and went jogging.  (Well, my current version of jogging which is walking for a bit and jogging for a bit back and forth because I still can only jog for like a minute, but still.  My current ability.)  But anyway, I traveled one mile while my laundry washed, then I put it in the dryer and kept reading.  I think I'm beginning to understand why people keep mentioning the "support" and "encouragement" and "inspiration" they get from other bloggers.  It's still a foreign concept for the most part, as it has to do with human relationships, but I get it a tiny bit now.  Apart from however that works, it's hard (even for me) to justify eating ice cream while reading a weight loss blog.  I have done that before, but I was acutely aware of the hypocrisy. :)

So, no matter what the scale says tomorrow, I'm going to take it with a smile.  Not because I'm happy to have gained weight or because I'm complacent enough to think that my behavior for most of this week was acceptable, but because today, right now, I'm back on track.  I'm doing well, right now, and that's awesome.  I believe I will have a good day tomorrow and after that, what's to stop me from stringing together a week of good days?  Not "what".  "Who".  Me, that's who, and the way I'm feeling right now, I just don't see that happening. 

AWESOME!

-Amber

Rule # 3: Learn From Professor Poop

When you get a cold while trying to lose weight, what do you do?  There is no answer.  Or rather, there are dozens of answers.  Just take it an hour at a time.  If, at this moment, you think you could maybe get up and wash a couple dishes, do so.  And don't feel bad or beat yourself up because the trash is still there.  It's freezing out, and you're ill.  It's okay.  And if you think, at this moment, that you could manage to make yourself a sandwich on some nice whole grain bread then please do, and don't feel bad that you really just needed it to have cheese on it.  Some lovely, sharp cheddar or some earthy, mild swiss.  Just don't bother your poor sick head about it, because it's what you could do at the time and you're doing great.  How I wish I could have told myself these things this morning when I woke up and my reaction was "Oh, piss!" but it's okay.  That's fine, that's what learning is all about, isn't it?  If the fact that I fricking bombed today didn't result in improved behavior tomorrow, then there'd be a real problem. You can always learn from crap that happens. 

-Amber

Week 1 Weigh In

So, I forgot to say what my starting weight was.  It was 250.  So I weighed in this morning.  253.  Why?  Because I didn't try at all until halfway through Friday.  It was finals week, and I know it sounds weird to say that I started a blog in the middle of a week where I was completely aware that I wasn't actually making any effort, but I was trying to avoid the Big Start Syndrom.  The Big Start Syndrom is where I have a day in mind, usually a Sunday or Monday, on which I'm going to change my life around and "do it right this time", and I have thoughts like "I'll be perfect!" and "it'll be different this time!"  I never am, and it never is.  I have serious problems with all-or-nothing thinking.  I'll get into that some other day.

So, my first weigh in was a bust.  You know what?  That's ok.  I know why it happened, so that part's covered, and it has done wonders for my brain as far as not letting me build up "this time" in my head like I'm going to be some paragon of sensibility and self-control.  Every time, I make one mistake and then my image of this perfect person I was going to be is no longer possible and I'm crushed.  Stupid, I know.  Jack Sh*t  (over at http://jackfit.blogspot.com/) said something like a year and a half ago (I always have to start from the beginning when I read a new blog) that stuck with me:

“Tomorrow, my wife Anita and I have a kid-free evening, so we’re planning an overnight outing. I’m going to try to plan it out and keep things from getting too, too out of hand. This is full-scale warfare, so I know I can’t worry too much about a single skirmish here or there. Keep your perspective, and pick your battles.”

Wow.  That kind of thinking is so not mine, but I want it to be.  I need it to be.  I keep thinking about weight loss like it's a battle that I should be able to win quickly and with no casualties or I'm a pathetic loser.  Winning, but with said setbacks, would be only microscopically better than not winning at all.  And I don't think of it as a war, because I'm actually massively intimidated by it and to think of it as a war seems so long, and it's nearly too much for me, because since I'm thinking of it as something I should be able to do with no problems (and no emotions), well...that gets overwhelming quick, fast, and in a hurry.

So reading this and trying to absorb it and deliberately "starting" in the midddle of not actually making any effort has taken me miles toward not falling for the same crap.  I had no image of an impossible superperson, and I have this marvelous quote to go back to (and many others, he's quite hilarious).  I feel like I'm set.  Which is very different from what would usually go through my head if I gained three pounds in a week.  So thanks, Jack, and thanks, my foresight.  You two are awesome.

So, what's going to happen next week? 

247.  Mark my words.  I'm coming for you, Hot Me!

-Amber

Rule # 2: Follow Your Own Rules

You are not a lazy employee who can use the fake excuse of "Oh, I didn't understand you the first time".  This is you talking to yourself, and you know darned well what you meant. You've said it, you had good reasons, it's a good rule, now follow through for the love of warriors!!! Don't repeat yourself, and don't stay up till 6:30am the night after you make a rule for yourself to get sleep.  That's like a kid having to be told numerous times that cutting your own hair is dangerous for a five-year-old.  Now he's missing both ears.  That's stupid.  Don't be like that.

-Amber

Rule # 1: Sleep!

Nothing makes a day more likely to suck than not getting enough sleep, especially when you're trying to lose weight.  Weight loss is an emotional thing and lack of sleep makes you irritable and unstable right from the beginning.  It automatically puts you in a bad place.  It's hard to stay on plan when you already feel crappy, and this is so avoidable, not to everyone I realize, but certainly to me, and definetely worth working on.  I always feel so stupid when I've just eaten something terrible and I realize that there was no good reason, I was just having a crappy day because I'm tired and headachy and irritable.  It's like accidentally losing a finger because you were cutting vegetables after having deliberately coated your knife hand with butter.  Why would you do that?  There's no good reason for that.  Don't do that.

-Amber

Calling All People Who Don't Answer Calls

Hello, fellow blogger types!  I am one of many people blogging about weight loss.  Let me start by encouraging you to find more of us if you need help in that area.  (That's next on my to-do list, right after studying for the finance final in 7 hours instead of sleeping). 

I'm not a very share-oriented type.  I'm an INTJ on the Myers-Briggs Typology personality test (not your average facebook quiz; look it up, it's a real professional test and it's very interesting) and that means that emotions, to me, are nearly useless and usually not worth attention.  Of course I know that's not objectively true, but it's not my nature to want to deal with them.  I have to view them as tools or means to an end before they become material.  INTJ's are very pragmatic, though, and I can pretty much view anything as a tool or a means to an end if I put my mind to it, which I have done for emotions to a large degree by now, which is the only reason I'm even here. 

The thing is, even though emotions are still a vaguely foreign substance to me, that doesn't mean I don't care about people.  True to INTJ form, I care about them, but more as a concept than with any actual individuals.  I want to "help people" if I can, but it takes me a while to get to like an actual person.  I'd help a stranger out in a heartbeat (and have on several occassions) but that's actually easier because we have no relationship so I can view them as a piece of the concept of "people" and not have to deal with, say, a conversation.  Those are tricky.  They involve people. 

So what on earth am I doing writing a blog about such an emotional issue as weight loss?  Because I do have a heart, but I don't have social skills.  I want to lose weight and then (and in the proccess) help others with their weight loss, but there's no freaking way I could do public speaking or anything like that.  I'm better with writing.  It's nice and cold, like I like it.  And I know there are others like me who'd rather be inspired looking at a computer screen than trying to act like a human being in front of another human being.  This is for you, fellow people-avoiders!  We can do it, and without ever having to deal with what "we" means!

So basically I'll share things I learn along the way here and you can take out of them what you will.  I hope I can help "somebody".

-Amber