My Bad X 1,000

I've sucked recently.  I thought I learned something new but it got clouded/covered/obliterated by my recent suckitude.  School started and it's my last semester and I'm having a low-self-esteem spasm.  I'm pretty much freaking out.  When I've graduated, I'll officially be an adult.  I'll have to get a job and prove to my superiors and peers every day that I'm worth something/anything at all/enough for them not to fire and laugh at me.  Freaking.  Out.  I'm terrified.  I feel totally worthless, so how am I going to lose weight and get another 4.0 and get a job and keep it?  Those are things normal people do.  People who aren't inherently shitty in numerous ways. 

This has been complete verbal diarrhea.  It's how I feel, I know it makes no sense (except the part of me that believes it).  Bleahch.  Needless to say, I haven't done well on the losing weight front.  I'm gonna make myself post something every day and see if that doesn't guilt-slap me into changing my sad, sad tune. 

Speaking of, "Sad Songs Say So Much" by Elton John came on the radio as I was typing that last paragraph.  I actually feel a tiny bit better singing with it. :-)  I guess even in my lowest moments, music can make me smile.  I may be a dork.  Oh well. :-)

-Amber

Alive And Kicking

I wanted to name this post "alive and nearly kicking" or "alive and getting ready to start kicking" but then I
realized how lame those are.  Firstly, it's bad enough to name a blog after a stupid catchphrase and those were lame, you know, language-wise.  Secondly, why almost?  It's lame of me to be all wishy-washy like that.  Why did I want to think of today as a ramp day where I slowly get back into the swing of things?  I want to lose the weight, and the massacre is over, I should be totally ready to go go go!  So now I am, thanks to seeing my own lameness.  Yay, lame-o-vision!

I'm sure tomorrow's weigh in will be terrible.  I'll probably have to start all over.  It's gonna be sad, but I can handle it.  I've learned something during the massacre, which I will share tomorrow. 

-Amber

Alive But Not Kicking

Hey guys.  Lots to tell.  Don't want to tell it, so I'm telling you that there's something to tell so I'll have to come back and finish the job later and stop avoiding this blog.  Bad me!  I know.  I'll come back prolly on Wednesday, when the impending massacre is over. 

-Amber

A Grain Of Salt

So, while it is technically Saturday, to me it's really Friday night because I have yet to go to bed.  I'm about to go out and retrieve my laundry and then sleep.  So, for intents and purposes, weigh in is "tomorrow" and I'm telling you now, it won't be pretty.  I was sick all week pretty much (just started to feel normal again today) and with this return to normal I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream.  A nightmare, really, in which being sick was a reason to eat shit and not move.  But it was reality, folks, and the scale is going to bitchslap me tomorrow.  But right now, I'm happy with myself.  Why?  Well, I'll tell you!

Tonight, around 11 pm, I started reading blogs, and after a while, at about 2 am, something shifted.  Hard to explain..."I'll do it tomorrow" ceased to be an acceptable sentence for me to utter.  I was all like, "why not now?"  There was this lifting, this bright effortlessness, and I put my laundry in the wash and went jogging.  (Well, my current version of jogging which is walking for a bit and jogging for a bit back and forth because I still can only jog for like a minute, but still.  My current ability.)  But anyway, I traveled one mile while my laundry washed, then I put it in the dryer and kept reading.  I think I'm beginning to understand why people keep mentioning the "support" and "encouragement" and "inspiration" they get from other bloggers.  It's still a foreign concept for the most part, as it has to do with human relationships, but I get it a tiny bit now.  Apart from however that works, it's hard (even for me) to justify eating ice cream while reading a weight loss blog.  I have done that before, but I was acutely aware of the hypocrisy. :)

So, no matter what the scale says tomorrow, I'm going to take it with a smile.  Not because I'm happy to have gained weight or because I'm complacent enough to think that my behavior for most of this week was acceptable, but because today, right now, I'm back on track.  I'm doing well, right now, and that's awesome.  I believe I will have a good day tomorrow and after that, what's to stop me from stringing together a week of good days?  Not "what".  "Who".  Me, that's who, and the way I'm feeling right now, I just don't see that happening. 

AWESOME!

-Amber

Calling All People Who Don't Answer Calls

Hello, fellow blogger types!  I am one of many people blogging about weight loss.  Let me start by encouraging you to find more of us if you need help in that area.  (That's next on my to-do list, right after studying for the finance final in 7 hours instead of sleeping). 

I'm not a very share-oriented type.  I'm an INTJ on the Myers-Briggs Typology personality test (not your average facebook quiz; look it up, it's a real professional test and it's very interesting) and that means that emotions, to me, are nearly useless and usually not worth attention.  Of course I know that's not objectively true, but it's not my nature to want to deal with them.  I have to view them as tools or means to an end before they become material.  INTJ's are very pragmatic, though, and I can pretty much view anything as a tool or a means to an end if I put my mind to it, which I have done for emotions to a large degree by now, which is the only reason I'm even here. 

The thing is, even though emotions are still a vaguely foreign substance to me, that doesn't mean I don't care about people.  True to INTJ form, I care about them, but more as a concept than with any actual individuals.  I want to "help people" if I can, but it takes me a while to get to like an actual person.  I'd help a stranger out in a heartbeat (and have on several occassions) but that's actually easier because we have no relationship so I can view them as a piece of the concept of "people" and not have to deal with, say, a conversation.  Those are tricky.  They involve people. 

So what on earth am I doing writing a blog about such an emotional issue as weight loss?  Because I do have a heart, but I don't have social skills.  I want to lose weight and then (and in the proccess) help others with their weight loss, but there's no freaking way I could do public speaking or anything like that.  I'm better with writing.  It's nice and cold, like I like it.  And I know there are others like me who'd rather be inspired looking at a computer screen than trying to act like a human being in front of another human being.  This is for you, fellow people-avoiders!  We can do it, and without ever having to deal with what "we" means!

So basically I'll share things I learn along the way here and you can take out of them what you will.  I hope I can help "somebody".

-Amber