So, weight this morning was 255. I know. My first two weeks of "weight loss" and I gain 5 pounds. I wish I could make this my new starting weight but it would only be to make me feel better about having to re-lose them and it would be too close to Big Start Syndrome for comfort, plus it would be un-genuine...so I won't.
I was thinking, why is it that I want to lose weight but my actions don't exactly prove that? It seems like every time I decide to give it a go I wake up the next morning with a headache or something and I go "Oh well, you can't expect me to exercise with a headache, I'll try again tomorrow". I happily take the exit and tell myself that it wasn't an excuse, it was a real reason why I couldn't have made the effort that day. But the thing is, if a wizard popped up and asked me if I would live my life with a constant headache for a year in exchange for having all the weight magically disappear over the course of that year, I would say Hell Yes! because I do want the weight gone. So what's the difference? I would suffer to lose weight, but I'm very hesitant to work to lose weight. Why?
I think it's because suffering I can just ignore and live with but work requires me to be mentally present, and when I'm mentally present that means I'm emotionally present, and when I'm emotionally present the irrational part of my brain that still hears my father's voice telling me I'm made of shit wants to run away and continue hiding from the rest of the world behind my lovely fatscreen. I would take a knife in my leg but I wouldn't turn down some food. It's a little messed up. But I know that's not how it works, so I'm gonna try to be mentally present now. It's times like this when I'm extra grateful for prayer.
So, off I go to exercise (with a headache, as usual...I think it's psychosomatic) and I'll keep you posted!
-Amber
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