Today sucked. I mean I woke up and immediately hated everything. I was tearing myself down, calling myself a loser and a retard, I just barely escaped snapping at people, I pretty much wanted the world to stop existing. I really didn't want to do the workout, really really really didn't, mostly because today, you could not have convinced me that exercising would make a shit of difference because I'll always be fat and there's nothing I can do to change it, and trying just means I'm an even bigger retard that I thought. Like seriously, a bad day. BUT I did the stupid thing anyway. I was sick of Jillian's face so while she was blathering I went for a mile-long walk/jog, and then I did it again while Billy was veining all over my screen. Did I mention I hated all people today? So some of the video time was replaced with 2 miles of walking/jogging but you know, roughly same calorie burn so whatevs. I needed the change.
I had another phantom scent, this time Arby's. It was heavenly, but I told it to fuck off nonetheless. Ha.
Today my body is sending me new signals. I think I really pushed myself close to my limits tonight. I was hurting in ways that I instinctively recognize as dangerous. I checked a million times and I really am not just making excuses (trust me, I'm the first one to make that assumption) I really think I might have almost gone too far. I'm essentially going from maybe an hour a week of exercise to what, with all the warm-ups and cool-downs in the tapes, ends up being two and a half hours per day. That's a lot, without any kind of transition period. I'm not saying I don't want to do it, I'm just saying...well, just like I had to remove the jog and be okay with it, maybe I'll have to take a day off tomorrow or Saturday and make myself be okay with that, too. Not beat myself up. It depends on how I feel tomorrow of course, I'm not deciding right now. But I consider it a possibility, given the kind of pain I felt tonight. But we'll see. For now...well, I'm just glad today is almost over.